Random Thoughts

I’m watching “The Marvelous Miss Maisel” and for some reason it’s striking a chord with me. 

I love stories about heartbreak that lead to following your dreams. 

But I also really just like love stories in general. But more than love stories I love stories where people seem to descend  into madness. Or people with memory problems. Cause sometimes I feel I can relate to that more. Like I’m going crazy or loosing my mind. I guess that’s why my Favorite movie is Memento. I can remember stuff years ago but more often than not I can’t remember what I did five minutes ago. 

On a lot of occasions I’ll get an idea and just stop and think about it. Kinda zone out. In the middle of what I’m doing. And it worries (sometimes) the people I’m


When I read messages on my phone I will audibly say what I’m going to respond, without meaning to do so. Even when I’m in public. 

Sometimes when I get an idea and I’m in a hurry to write it down i always have to double look. Because words in my head don’t always make it to the paper. And sometimes my letters get mixed up while typing. Like I’ll type “dpoe” instead of “dope”

Also why Vanilla Sky is also one of my Favorite movies. Because it’s a descend into madness with a love story. Feeling like you can’t control what’s going on around you, all while in reality you can. 

I don’t know. It’s just kinda weird sometimes. But those are my two favorite things. Because sometimes I feel I can relate to both of them. 


Donnie Darko

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind 

Vanilla Sky 

The Science of Sleep

Mulholland Drive

My Favorites. 

if only I can have a Vanilla Sky moment. To temporary find what i want, go a little insane, and then face reality. And then knowingly choose it all over again.

Also why I love Mad Men and Californication so much. 

seeing these protagonist trying to keep it together while still spiraling out of control over lust.

yes, these are show. But they are shows a percentage of people can relate to. And although i am not a write, nor am Ad Man, Something about these people draw me in. familiarity? I don’t know. but i do know. Its because i want it all. And I’m selfish enough to keep going at it. Even when I know that something isn’t gonna work out, i do it anyway. 

“play with fire and you get burned” but what if you don’t think it is fire but a challenge? what if its not even a challenge but a feeling of normalcy? Can i really get burned if i am flame retardant? The answer is no. because i know what i want. and i know that even tho at the time being it might seem to the world i am getting burned, in reality im just gaining XP.

XP to withstand the fire. XP to know that nothing can harm me. XP to know that I have already seen the outcome, therefore i will selfishly and with pleasure live it till the end. Because i can get away with it. why? because i go through so many i won’t remember. Until one night im drinking whisky and you pop up in my head again. But eyen then, its a thing of the past. And i have absolutely no problem leaving you there.

You are XP, a decimal to fill my meter while i level up. will i ever stop trying to fill this gauge? I have no idea. I’d like to. Maybe this is the reason why i love love stories so much. Because they show me a place that i could be if i just allow myself to. My problem isn’t in wanting the fulfillment of that story. but the quest in finding someone that can handle my lifestyle. selfish, i know. but i have a feeling one day i will meet someone and i will drop whatever im doing for you. I know it. is that what im scared of? sacrifice? 

is it really a sacrifice if its something i want? yes and no. i don’t freaking know. but i do know it can be, maybe. A special place and time for you and me. to work together towards our hopes and dreams. to make our own ultralight beam, to be shown and seen to the world together. and somehow never lose its light. no matter how bad the plight or strain this world can have on our shoulders, it would make us bolder. two against all we’d be standing tall, ready to show the whole world we aint afraid of (i refuse to say that word)

What's in a Name?

My name means gods gracious gift. I want to be a gift to people’s lives. 

There are people I’ve met on here that I may never meet in real life. And there are people I’ve met in real life that I will never see again. But one thing holds true, I try to live up to the name my mom gave me. I to make an impact, not only on this world, to the people that inhabit it as well. 

It gets lonely and trying sometimes, trying to be something bigger than yourself. And it also can be pretty lonely and selfless. But in the end, I have to remember what I’m doing isn’t always about me, but for whoever enters my life... regardless of what medium that may be. 

Progress each day

This is what I’m focusing on this month. With learning new software and even training in the gym. I get in the habit a lot of times of “go big or go home” that I dont appreciate all the small steps I take that inevitably add up. For instance, watching tutorials for new art styles and such. I didn’t feel like going to the gym yesterday, but holding true to the quote, I went with the intention of just doing one sit-up. Granted, once I got there I did more than one. But even if I didn’t, it was one more than yesterday. I say all that to say, I’m learning not to take the small steps for granted, and trust that it all adds up in the end⚡️