Random Thoughts

I’m watching “The Marvelous Miss Maisel” and for some reason it’s striking a chord with me. 

I love stories about heartbreak that lead to following your dreams. 

But I also really just like love stories in general. But more than love stories I love stories where people seem to descend  into madness. Or people with memory problems. Cause sometimes I feel I can relate to that more. Like I’m going crazy or loosing my mind. I guess that’s why my Favorite movie is Memento. I can remember stuff years ago but more often than not I can’t remember what I did five minutes ago. 

On a lot of occasions I’ll get an idea and just stop and think about it. Kinda zone out. In the middle of what I’m doing. And it worries (sometimes) the people I’m


When I read messages on my phone I will audibly say what I’m going to respond, without meaning to do so. Even when I’m in public. 

Sometimes when I get an idea and I’m in a hurry to write it down i always have to double look. Because words in my head don’t always make it to the paper. And sometimes my letters get mixed up while typing. Like I’ll type “dpoe” instead of “dope”

Also why Vanilla Sky is also one of my Favorite movies. Because it’s a descend into madness with a love story. Feeling like you can’t control what’s going on around you, all while in reality you can. 

I don’t know. It’s just kinda weird sometimes. But those are my two favorite things. Because sometimes I feel I can relate to both of them. 


Donnie Darko

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind 

Vanilla Sky 

The Science of Sleep

Mulholland Drive

My Favorites. 

if only I can have a Vanilla Sky moment. To temporary find what i want, go a little insane, and then face reality. And then knowingly choose it all over again.

Also why I love Mad Men and Californication so much. 

seeing these protagonist trying to keep it together while still spiraling out of control over lust.

yes, these are show. But they are shows a percentage of people can relate to. And although i am not a write, nor am Ad Man, Something about these people draw me in. familiarity? I don’t know. but i do know. Its because i want it all. And I’m selfish enough to keep going at it. Even when I know that something isn’t gonna work out, i do it anyway. 

“play with fire and you get burned” but what if you don’t think it is fire but a challenge? what if its not even a challenge but a feeling of normalcy? Can i really get burned if i am flame retardant? The answer is no. because i know what i want. and i know that even tho at the time being it might seem to the world i am getting burned, in reality im just gaining XP.

XP to withstand the fire. XP to know that nothing can harm me. XP to know that I have already seen the outcome, therefore i will selfishly and with pleasure live it till the end. Because i can get away with it. why? because i go through so many i won’t remember. Until one night im drinking whisky and you pop up in my head again. But eyen then, its a thing of the past. And i have absolutely no problem leaving you there.

You are XP, a decimal to fill my meter while i level up. will i ever stop trying to fill this gauge? I have no idea. I’d like to. Maybe this is the reason why i love love stories so much. Because they show me a place that i could be if i just allow myself to. My problem isn’t in wanting the fulfillment of that story. but the quest in finding someone that can handle my lifestyle. selfish, i know. but i have a feeling one day i will meet someone and i will drop whatever im doing for you. I know it. is that what im scared of? sacrifice? 

is it really a sacrifice if its something i want? yes and no. i don’t freaking know. but i do know it can be, maybe. A special place and time for you and me. to work together towards our hopes and dreams. to make our own ultralight beam, to be shown and seen to the world together. and somehow never lose its light. no matter how bad the plight or strain this world can have on our shoulders, it would make us bolder. two against all we’d be standing tall, ready to show the whole world we aint afraid of (i refuse to say that word)