Jonathan Belle

You're stronger than you think, trust me.

Trying to be a positive influence as best as I can.

Today

Today I am officially out of debt. I paid off the last of my IRS debt. (I owed 5500$) 


So it’s really freeing. 


My contract was supposed to be up in July (is what the recruiter said to me) but now it looks like they might be extending it to December. 



So it looks like I have some options. 


Option 1:


Be done in July and tell them I didn’t agree to a year and a half contract only a year. And then go live in a city/county I’ve never been. Using savings to pay month to month for a couple of months until I decide to get another contract. 


Option B. 


Still quit in July and van life it back in seattle for the month of August because I still haven’t spent a month of August there exploring. 


Option C:


Stick it out until December and save a lot more money. That way come 2020 I can basically live wherever I want for 4 or 5 months off savings until I decide to go back to work. This option will probably include going somewhere overseas like Sweden or London or Costa Rica. 


Option 4:


Finish the job in December and immediately start another contract in who knows where city and state. 



Option 5:

Quit the railroad altogether in July because I still don’t like it. And use the money saved to van life somewhere else and go back to washing dishes or something and exploring taking pictures again, till I get tired of that, and then look for another “real” job.  



Being out here is really draining on me. 

Not only is it boring, it’s boring. But I mean it did/does serve its purpose. 

In the 9months I’ve been here I’ve:


Paid off 6k in credit card debt 

Paid off 5k to the IRS 

Bought a 4K computer 

Bout a 1500$ camera

Bought a 1k drone 

Bought a 4K van 

Bought a new Superman suit for 1500$

Spent lord knows how much in camera and computer accessories. Including light kits and so on and so forth. 

Bought the Superboy suit 

Paid almost 1k in commissions to artist. 

Hit my goal weight of 200lbs 

Bought a PlayStation 

Spent about 1200$ in FB ads 



But also in the 9 months I’ve been here. 


Haven’t had sex. 


Haven’t gone out to meet anyone to try to have sex because I am putting all my money towards buying/paying off stuff. 


Only been out to eat maybe 6 times. 


I Have zero social life here.


Got frostnip.


Literally have to pull creative stuff out my ass because I couldn’t go shoot anywhere once it got cold. 


Now that it’s spring it’s windy as crap and I can’t fly my drone out anywhere around here till the weather still gets nicer. 


I have been sitting at my computer so much for 9 months I actually developed a pilonidal cyst that just recently went away. 


My only friend here is my coworker who is about 20 years older than me and might quit to go back to where he’s from. 


The new Superman suit I bought I’ve had for almost two months but can’t wear it because I can’t put the trim on myself while I wear it, and I don’t trust anyone in this town to do it, and I’m not gonna buy a manikin that “fits my body type” because I don’t have room for that. So I’m just gonna have to wait. 


I have so many ideas to make videos with a female but because I don’t go out to meet anyone, I’m seriously considering buying a female manikin and using that to let your imagination fill in the face and emotions I want to convey. 



Goal 4

Today my new camera came in the mail. I bought a Canon 6D mark ii. My previous camera is a 6D. I primarily bought it because it has video autofocus, which is great. now I won’t have to keep manually adjusting the focal points and guess while I try to take video of myself. The down side of it is, my lens is really loud. it won’t matter when I take video to put music to. but when I vlog its gonna be noticeable. Soooo I have to look into stm lens

Mr. Brightside

My very first relationship ended in early 2000s. I dated her for two years. After her I met a very free spirited girl that I fell in love with. But it was casual. Not because of me, because of her. I remember one time we went out to dinner we were waiting to get sat and she randomly turns to me and says “you know I’m not your GF right?” I said “ I know”. But those words really really really hurt. A couple days later I’m up watching insomnia vh1. A music video comes on with four dudes dressed pretty cool. And one is wearing eyeliner. He starts singing about liking someone who doesn’t like you the same way. And implies that the other person is out and about while you’re not. And then he said “it started out with a kiss, how did it end up like this?” 


By the time the music video was over, I had got on limewire or Napster, whatever it was at the time I was using, and downloaded the song. I must have listened to it a million times that day. Because in that instance in my life, I found the perfect song that was explaining what I was going through. 


And that is why, to this day, The Killers are my favorite band. 

Big step today

Today I did something that I was afraid to do for awhile. I put a picture up of me for my podcast. I didn't use one before because I was scared it wouldn’t gain traction because of how I look. I decided to not be scared anymore.

Random Thoughts

I’m watching “The Marvelous Miss Maisel” and for some reason it’s striking a chord with me. 


I love stories about heartbreak that lead to following your dreams. 




But I also really just like love stories in general. But more than love stories I love stories where people seem to descend  into madness. Or people with memory problems. Cause sometimes I feel I can relate to that more. Like I’m going crazy or loosing my mind. I guess that’s why my Favorite movie is Memento. I can remember stuff years ago but more often than not I can’t remember what I did five minutes ago. 



On a lot of occasions I’ll get an idea and just stop and think about it. Kinda zone out. In the middle of what I’m doing. And it worries (sometimes) the people I’m

With. 

When I read messages on my phone I will audibly say what I’m going to respond, without meaning to do so. Even when I’m in public. 

Sometimes when I get an idea and I’m in a hurry to write it down i always have to double look. Because words in my head don’t always make it to the paper. And sometimes my letters get mixed up while typing. Like I’ll type “dpoe” instead of “dope”


Also why Vanilla Sky is also one of my Favorite movies. Because it’s a descend into madness with a love story. Feeling like you can’t control what’s going on around you, all while in reality you can. 

I don’t know. It’s just kinda weird sometimes. But those are my two favorite things. Because sometimes I feel I can relate to both of them. 


Memento

Donnie Darko

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind 

Vanilla Sky 

The Science of Sleep

Mulholland Drive



My Favorites. 


if only I can have a Vanilla Sky moment. To temporary find what i want, go a little insane, and then face reality. And then knowingly choose it all over again.



Also why I love Mad Men and Californication so much. 

seeing these protagonist trying to keep it together while still spiraling out of control over lust.

yes, these are show. But they are shows a percentage of people can relate to. And although i am not a write, nor am Ad Man, Something about these people draw me in. familiarity? I don’t know. but i do know. Its because i want it all. And I’m selfish enough to keep going at it. Even when I know that something isn’t gonna work out, i do it anyway. 



“play with fire and you get burned” but what if you don’t think it is fire but a challenge? what if its not even a challenge but a feeling of normalcy? Can i really get burned if i am flame retardant? The answer is no. because i know what i want. and i know that even tho at the time being it might seem to the world i am getting burned, in reality im just gaining XP.



XP to withstand the fire. XP to know that nothing can harm me. XP to know that I have already seen the outcome, therefore i will selfishly and with pleasure live it till the end. Because i can get away with it. why? because i go through so many i won’t remember. Until one night im drinking whisky and you pop up in my head again. But eyen then, its a thing of the past. And i have absolutely no problem leaving you there.


You are XP, a decimal to fill my meter while i level up. will i ever stop trying to fill this gauge? I have no idea. I’d like to. Maybe this is the reason why i love love stories so much. Because they show me a place that i could be if i just allow myself to. My problem isn’t in wanting the fulfillment of that story. but the quest in finding someone that can handle my lifestyle. selfish, i know. but i have a feeling one day i will meet someone and i will drop whatever im doing for you. I know it. is that what im scared of? sacrifice? 


is it really a sacrifice if its something i want? yes and no. i don’t freaking know. but i do know it can be, maybe. A special place and time for you and me. to work together towards our hopes and dreams. to make our own ultralight beam, to be shown and seen to the world together. and somehow never lose its light. no matter how bad the plight or strain this world can have on our shoulders, it would make us bolder. two against all we’d be standing tall, ready to show the whole world we aint afraid of (i refuse to say that word)

What's in a Name?

My name means gods gracious gift. I want to be a gift to people’s lives. 

There are people I’ve met on here that I may never meet in real life. And there are people I’ve met in real life that I will never see again. But one thing holds true, I try to live up to the name my mom gave me. I to make an impact, not only on this world, to the people that inhabit it as well. 


It gets lonely and trying sometimes, trying to be something bigger than yourself. And it also can be pretty lonely and selfless. But in the end, I have to remember what I’m doing isn’t always about me, but for whoever enters my life... regardless of what medium that may be. 

Progress each day

This is what I’m focusing on this month. With learning new software and even training in the gym. I get in the habit a lot of times of “go big or go home” that I dont appreciate all the small steps I take that inevitably add up. For instance, watching tutorials for new art styles and such. I didn’t feel like going to the gym yesterday, but holding true to the quote, I went with the intention of just doing one sit-up. Granted, once I got there I did more than one. But even if I didn’t, it was one more than yesterday. I say all that to say, I’m learning not to take the small steps for granted, and trust that it all adds up in the end⚡️

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