Part of me realizes that I am not trying to earn money as a creative like I know I can do, because a part of me thinks I will fail. Everything I have done so far I have done to an extent, but it isn’t my full extent. Sometimes I get in different mindsets where I will be encouraged and inspired to ask friends and family to do things. For example, I am pretty prideful and want to do this all on my own. I have this fear that I come off as bugging people when I ask for things. Plus I don’t want to get my hopes up and think that people will actually do what I ask. And thats just it, i’ll get the courage to ask, then be disappointed with the results. Which in turn hinders me from wanting to make another ask. Or to just go “Full Steam Ahead”

Another example. I bought a ton of VCRs I know I can flip them. But I havent listed them all. And I think its a hassle to try to sell on eBay. But it isn’t really that. It’s “what if I was wrong about this and now I am stuck with 11 vcrs?”

I know my YouTube channel is available for monetization, the more I learn about doing “the right things” on YouTube, the more I know I need to work on the SEO and titles of videos I made years ago. But I don’t. Because part of me thinks if I change everything and it still doens’t work, its a failure. But if I keep it half and half, then its “When I do it It will be better” Clinging to the big what if and never doing the what if. Because I know the certainty of not trying really hard. I can’t be disappointed if I know I never tried enough.

But when does that end. When will I say “enough is enough” and go for what I want and believe in myself?

I’d like to think that time is now. How I think people will view me is all in my head.Like “am I to salesy. Am I buggin people. I need to work on getting that out of my mind. Further more, I am always saying to “find my audience” and deep down I know that that is something I am continually doing.

I can grow, I can accomplish great things. I know I can. I am just scared that I won’t. But its time to let the comfortability of “I know I can when I am ready because its comfortable in that safe space of the fear of no failure” And step out of my comfort zone and ask and receive and work for what I want.

Spring cleaning my mind. I look forward to the rest of this year.

It felt good to write this down⚡️